[Writingworkshop] Alternatron D11

[Adam Holland]

ditto to all Antony's comments on this one, bumming included

On Feb 16, 2008 8:04 PM, Antony Nigel Donovan <and at mit.edu> wrote:

> I really liked this one.  The ending was perfect.
>
> The form is also very nice.
>
> Antony
>
> PS - Your prolificacy and quality are starting to bum me out!
>
>
> On Sat, 2008-02-16 at 11:46 -0500, Neale Morison wrote:
> > Alternatron D11
> >
> >
> > I wish to make a complaint.
> >
> > Select Department: Sales/Billing, Technical Support, Pre-purchase
> >
> > Technical Support.
> >
> > Product: Eternitizer 3000, Alternatron D11, MixWhizz 98
> >
> > Alternatron D11.
> >
> > Priority: Low, Medium, High, Emergency, Critical
> >
> > Critical.
> >
> > Problem Area: Response time, Scan precision, Matter transfer integrity,
> > None of the above
> >
> > None of the above.
> >
> > Please briefly describe the problem.
> >
> > Like it says in the manual I scan for an alternate and when one comes up
> > green I press Transfer, Enter but nothing happens.
> >
> > Submit.
> >
> > Your support enquiry is being assigned. Please wait.
> >
> > My name is Troy. How may I help you today?
> >
> > Is your name really Troy?
> >
> > No.
> >
> > Do you look anything like that photograph?
> >
> > No.
> >
> > Ok. I just wanted to establish an honest relationship.
> >
> > Understood.
> >
> > Did you read my description?
> >
> > Yes.
> >
> > So any ideas?
> >
> > Have you got it plugged in?
> >
> > Yes, I've got it plugged in. It comes up green.
> >
> > Sorry. You wouldn't believe the people I get.
> >
> > I get a green, I press Transfer, Enter, zilch.
> >
> > Do you have it there?
> >
> > Yes.
> >
> > Can you press Transfer, then hold down Enter for three seconds, then
> > release Transfer and press it quickly two more times?
> >
> > Ok, hang on. Wow, there's all this scrolling text and flashing lights.
> >
> > That's right, now scroll right down to the bottom. What do you see?
> >
> > The portal has rejected your application for access.
> >
> > Ok, good.
> >
> > What does that mean? How can it reject my application?
> >
> > It's just the message that gets logged, what's really happening is
> > they've shut down the portal.
> >
> > They? Which they?
> >
> > The guys in the other universe.
> >
> > How can they do that?
> >
> > It happens in the preferred alternate universes. There's going to be
> > ones that are really crap and ones that are really cool, you know, like
> > they have world peace and cake grows on trees and they still have
> > unicorns and the dolphins can really talk. They end up with all these
> > people arriving with attitudes from bad universes and bringing them all
> > down. So they figure out how to close the portal.
> >
> > I mean how can they do it? You can't close a wormhole can you?
> >
> > No, I don't know, they do something with gravitons, we haven't figured
> > it out yet.
> >
> > But it came up green.
> >
> > We know, the next version fixes it.
> >
> > When's that out?
> >
> > We haven't announced the release date yet, that thing has so many bugs,
> > I tell you.
> >
> > Well, I don't want to upgrade, anyway.
> >
> > Ok, there's this workaround.
> >
> > I'm listening.
> >
> > What you do, you get your green, then you save the code in your
> favourites.
> >
> > Ok.
> >
> > Then you go to your favourites menu and select the one you just saved.
> >
> > Got it.
> >
> > Then you choose Show Me More Like This.
> >
> > Right.
> >
> > Then you choose the second one from the bottom every time.
> >
> > Second one from the bottom.
> >
> > And you keep doing that until you find one that's open.
> >
> > That's going to take a while.
> >
> > It doesn't take too long, there's some quantum statistical effect, I
> > forget what it's called. Helmholtz?
> >
> > That's when someone's choking, isn't it?
> >
> > Heidegger?
> >
> > Never mind. So the second one from the bottom?
> >
> > Yeah, and oh, when you find one that's open, right, so you press
> > Transfer, Enter, and it goes yellow and says Confirm?
> >
> > Yeah?
> >
> > Press Enter again right away. I mean don't even hesitate for a second.
> >
> > Why?
> >
> > Just take my word for it.
> >
> > Come on, Troy. Why?
> >
> > Well, there's this possibility that they're going to shut the portal
> > between the time you press the Transfer Enter, and the Confirm Enter. So
> > you leave, but you don't arrive.
> >
> > How likely is that?
> >
> > We don't really know. Not very. Maybe in some universes it happens every
> > time. Skip that universe, right?
> >
> > And where are you, if you don't arrive?
> >
> > Don't ask me.
> >
> > Well can you get back?
> >
> > It's hard to tell, we're trying to find someone who did it and came back
> > so we can put it in the manual.
> >
> > What do you think happens?
> >
> > We were talking about it next to the coffee maker and this one girl,
> > Ray, says maybe you disperse into an evenly distributed interstitial net
> > with psychic access to all universes simultaneously.
> >
> > What made her say that?
> >
> > She's always saying stuff like that.
> >
> > That would be great.
> >
> > It would be kind of cool.
> >
> > So you just wait a while before you press Confirm Enter?
> >
> > Yeah, but you don't know how long you're going to have to wait. And I'm
> > not saying it does that anyway, you know, Ray is pretty weird.
> >
> > Anyway, I wasn't trying to turn myself into some kind of Star Child or
> > anything, I just wanted to find a store where they haven't run out of
> > Ginseng and Lemon tea.
> >
> > They have that in the MegaHealth downstairs.
> >
> > Oh, really. Where are you?
> >
> > Three blocks down in Main Street.
> >
> > Ok, I'm just going to zap over. Why don't we meet for a coffee? Wait a
> > minute, it's not coming up green.
> >
> > What isn't?
> >
> > This universe. What does that mean?
> >
> > -
> >
> > Troy?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
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-- 
When copies are free, you need to sell things which can not be copied.
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