[Writingworkshop] Alternatron D11

[Daniel Peters]

"What made her say that?"Awesome line.  Followed perfectly.  How long does
this take you from inspiration to my inbox?

On 2/16/08, Neale Morison <neale at nealemorison.com> wrote:
>
> Alternatron D11
>
>
> I wish to make a complaint.
>
> Select Department: Sales/Billing, Technical Support, Pre-purchase
>
> Technical Support.
>
> Product: Eternitizer 3000, Alternatron D11, MixWhizz 98
>
> Alternatron D11.
>
> Priority: Low, Medium, High, Emergency, Critical
>
> Critical.
>
> Problem Area: Response time, Scan precision, Matter transfer integrity,
> None of the above
>
> None of the above.
>
> Please briefly describe the problem.
>
> Like it says in the manual I scan for an alternate and when one comes up
> green I press Transfer, Enter but nothing happens.
>
> Submit.
>
> Your support enquiry is being assigned. Please wait.
>
> My name is Troy. How may I help you today?
>
> Is your name really Troy?
>
> No.
>
> Do you look anything like that photograph?
>
> No.
>
> Ok. I just wanted to establish an honest relationship.
>
> Understood.
>
> Did you read my description?
>
> Yes.
>
> So any ideas?
>
> Have you got it plugged in?
>
> Yes, I've got it plugged in. It comes up green.
>
> Sorry. You wouldn't believe the people I get.
>
> I get a green, I press Transfer, Enter, zilch.
>
> Do you have it there?
>
> Yes.
>
> Can you press Transfer, then hold down Enter for three seconds, then
> release Transfer and press it quickly two more times?
>
> Ok, hang on. Wow, there's all this scrolling text and flashing lights.
>
> That's right, now scroll right down to the bottom. What do you see?
>
> The portal has rejected your application for access.
>
> Ok, good.
>
> What does that mean? How can it reject my application?
>
> It's just the message that gets logged, what's really happening is
> they've shut down the portal.
>
> They? Which they?
>
> The guys in the other universe.
>
> How can they do that?
>
> It happens in the preferred alternate universes. There's going to be
> ones that are really crap and ones that are really cool, you know, like
> they have world peace and cake grows on trees and they still have
> unicorns and the dolphins can really talk. They end up with all these
> people arriving with attitudes from bad universes and bringing them all
> down. So they figure out how to close the portal.
>
> I mean how can they do it? You can't close a wormhole can you?
>
> No, I don't know, they do something with gravitons, we haven't figured
> it out yet.
>
> But it came up green.
>
> We know, the next version fixes it.
>
> When's that out?
>
> We haven't announced the release date yet, that thing has so many bugs,
> I tell you.
>
> Well, I don't want to upgrade, anyway.
>
> Ok, there's this workaround.
>
> I'm listening.
>
> What you do, you get your green, then you save the code in your
> favourites.
>
> Ok.
>
> Then you go to your favourites menu and select the one you just saved.
>
> Got it.
>
> Then you choose Show Me More Like This.
>
> Right.
>
> Then you choose the second one from the bottom every time.
>
> Second one from the bottom.
>
> And you keep doing that until you find one that's open.
>
> That's going to take a while.
>
> It doesn't take too long, there's some quantum statistical effect, I
> forget what it's called. Helmholtz?
>
> That's when someone's choking, isn't it?
>
> Heidegger?
>
> Never mind. So the second one from the bottom?
>
> Yeah, and oh, when you find one that's open, right, so you press
> Transfer, Enter, and it goes yellow and says Confirm?
>
> Yeah?
>
> Press Enter again right away. I mean don't even hesitate for a second.
>
> Why?
>
> Just take my word for it.
>
> Come on, Troy. Why?
>
> Well, there's this possibility that they're going to shut the portal
> between the time you press the Transfer Enter, and the Confirm Enter. So
> you leave, but you don't arrive.
>
> How likely is that?
>
> We don't really know. Not very. Maybe in some universes it happens every
> time. Skip that universe, right?
>
> And where are you, if you don't arrive?
>
> Don't ask me.
>
> Well can you get back?
>
> It's hard to tell, we're trying to find someone who did it and came back
> so we can put it in the manual.
>
> What do you think happens?
>
> We were talking about it next to the coffee maker and this one girl,
> Ray, says maybe you disperse into an evenly distributed interstitial net
> with psychic access to all universes simultaneously.
>
> What made her say that?
>
> She's always saying stuff like that.
>
> That would be great.
>
> It would be kind of cool.
>
> So you just wait a while before you press Confirm Enter?
>
> Yeah, but you don't know how long you're going to have to wait. And I'm
> not saying it does that anyway, you know, Ray is pretty weird.
>
> Anyway, I wasn't trying to turn myself into some kind of Star Child or
> anything, I just wanted to find a store where they haven't run out of
> Ginseng and Lemon tea.
>
> They have that in the MegaHealth downstairs.
>
> Oh, really. Where are you?
>
> Three blocks down in Main Street.
>
> Ok, I'm just going to zap over. Why don't we meet for a coffee? Wait a
> minute, it's not coming up green.
>
> What isn't?
>
> This universe. What does that mean?
>
> -
>
> Troy?
>
>
>
>
>
> --
> Neale Morison
> neale at nealemorison.com
> http://www.nealemorison.com
> 31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
> +1 617 460 9969
>
>
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