[Writingworkshop] Stories

[Neale Morison]

Caveat Emptor, Baby is great. Very enjoyable. In both of these stories 
you set up some great scenes. Your set design is good. The lavish 
ballroom, populated by people in fancy attire is already a rich and 
pleasing picture and the transformation is even richer and more pleasing.
There were a few sentences in this one that lost me a little. It was as 
if a ideas were tangled that should have been separated.
e.g.
But no, it wasn’t McGrath’s baleful gaze that solidified the case 
against him, or yet another review by him that had me on the defensive 
from the get-go as to why I didn’t shake more hands, or offer more 
smiles, or do whatever the hell it was I was supposed to do at this 
institution besides teach and publish.

I experimented with breaking it up and translating it a little in to 
what I thought it meant, to see if it could keep the statistician's 
pernickety style but be clearer to the reader:

But no, it wasn’t McGrath’s baleful gaze that solidified the case 
against him. It wasn't that McGrath had given me another bad review that 
had me on the defensive as to why I couldn't bring myself to shake more 
hands, or offer more smiles, or do whatever the hell it was I was 
supposed to do at this institution besides teach and publish.

That last bit was the confusing bit for me. It's not about his immediate 
relationship with McGrath, it's about his perception of his success and 
fitting in to the college, so it's as if you've switched contexts 
mid-sentence. Perhaps I'm being obtuse. The fitting-in issue is the key 
point, so maybe it deserves a separate paragraph.

The phrase "non-denumerable amount of interminable meetings" slowed me 
down too. You may want to establish the character as wordy, but maybe 
there could be a compromise like "innumerable interminable" or 
"numberless interminable" or, if you can do without the the 
bubble-bubble effect, "countless interminable".

I'm tweaking around in the details. As a whole the story was great. The 
idea was great. Academia as a nest of monsters. Yup. What it takes to 
belong. And the comedy of the nightmare date.

Very funny and vivid. Thanks Chris.

Christopher Robichaud wrote:
>
> Hey all!
>
> Attached are two stories I’ll be using for writing program 
> applications and eventually to send out for publication. They’ve 
> already been workshopped in Joe’s classes over the years and had 
> several other eyes look at them, but I appreciate all feedback! If you 
> get the chance, please give ‘em a look and lemme know what you think.
>
> Thanks!
>
> -Chris
>
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