[Writingworkshop] Stories

[Samantha Weiss]

Chris,

Pages 1 through 9 of your second story have me locked in.  It is 
marvelous, professional level writing, and the voice make it a joy to 
read.  The situation with the e-mail and the n=1 walks that line between 
being believable and absolutely fucking hilarious over the top, and I'm 
just loving it.  I love that your character has this clear goal, and 
then he goes and spends $2000 (first attempt) on the most amazing attire 
and an escort besides.  The dress and the geometry comments were 
particularly wonderful. 

When I start to sense malevolence, the storytelling tone changes.  Then 
all of this stuff happens in rapid succession for no reason that I can 
tell.  It happens that he had called upon a werewolf to bring to the 
ball... unforgivable author manipulation in a world where we assume that 
most people are just people.  I wish there were some reason that he had 
to have contacted a monster, though I can't think of one offhand.  It 
happens that he sees McGrath at the same time as Erica starts to 
change.  It happens that everyone knows who she is  (this I think, must 
be cut from the story).  It happens that McGrath and Erica are not only 
involved but that she hates him so much that she's willing to try to 
kill him.  (This would only make sense if we see, in the phone 
conversation, your narrator explicitly tell her that he is using her for 
a tool of revenge against McGrath, and that that should be the focus of 
her evening.  If you go that route, then McGrath and Erica can't know 
each other before hand).  It happens that your narrrator is apparently 
the ONLY non-monster in a school where even the graduate students are 
monsters (if they aren't, then there is no way other faculty will turn 
into mosnters around him), but there isn't anything aprticular special 
about him to make that be the case.  You also slip into inappropriate 
exposition (Even MIranda treated us with a coolness quite unlike her, 
for example) instead of realized scenes (as when Erica and your narrator 
interact)--which is fine for unimportant scenes only.  That that moment 
that Miranda pushes him aside is a really important moment, though and 
we should see it.  (And other important scenes).  I would like to see a 
bit of the small talk between Erica and your narrator. 

So I have two thoughts.  1)  My issue with structure is that the 
narrator has one attempt:  when he gets the prostitute and the nice 
tux.  Then everything else plays out around him like a movie 
sequence--he takes no part in it--and we see a resolution.  This is not 
good.  We need three attempts.  So if this were a nongenre story, for 
example,  (I am completely making this up, just trying to explain plot 
structure--this isn't even a suggestion) Miranda and McGrath know each 
other, clearly have had a thing for eachother, and your narrator is like 
WHAT THE FUCK I paid 2000 for this to not work, and then he kisses her 
or something (2nd attempt) to piss McGrath off...  See where I'm going 
with that?  There's a second attempt, brought about by a strong causal 
chain. 

2)  I really think this is a non-genre story.  The genre element doesn't 
come in until the last line of page 12, in a story that only has five 
pages left.  That is way, way, way too late.  The genre elements either 
need to be there from beginning to end, or be hinted at much, much, much 
more strongly than just the comment about the period.  I also think you 
have two different stories.  A story about a man who brings a prostitute 
to a school ball, and a story about a monster ball. 

Okay.  Attaching the manuscript so you can see my thoughts throughout. 

-Samantha
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