[Writingworkshop] Stories

Sat Mar 1 11:31:15 EST 2008

Sam, thanks for your extremely thoughtful and detailed comments on both my
stories. You really spoil me. Some of your suggestions I've taken on board.
Others I haven't, particularly some of the structural ones. I have lots to
say on this, not just about my story, but about what I take makes for a good
story in general, structurally speaking. I think this would be a good
discussion for all of us to delve into. Alas, I'll not be able to put all my
thoughts down at the moment. I've been spending too many hours with my nose
in my laptop writing and rewriting, and am in desperate need of a break for
a few days!

Thanks again. I really appreciate it!

-Chris

-----Original Message-----
From: writingworkshop-bounces at nealemorison.org
[mailto:writingworkshop-bounces at nealemorison.org] On Behalf Of Samantha
Weiss
Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2008 12:54 AM
To: Neale's Writing Workshop
Subject: Re: [Writingworkshop] Stories

Dear Chris,

This is a far better story.  The scene that you added with Neb at the 
Redemption house is by far the most compelling.  We see him striving to 
achieve his goal, and that is the moment when we know what he is really 
about and that we care about him.  Your writing is imaginative and you 
demonstrate skill with your distinct choice of voice.  Moments that 
stand out to me as being particularly poignant:  when Neb won't look his 
wife in the eye, the scene when Michi tells Neb that he didn't come back 
whole, and the "laughing, my crucified one."  The three suggestions 
marked by *** are the ones you can change in a few hours.  The others 
are more structural and may take more time.  (For an Odyssey ap, you 
should strongly consider structural changes, because these are the 
things I know Jeanne looks for.)  I have a rather radical suggestion for 
the ending (below).   

***I still think you must tell us what "putting down" is, immediately.  
If we don't know, then other stuff, like "crisp it," is confusing 
instead of compelling.  The reader should ask:  "What will the main 
character do next?" but _never_, _ever_, "what is going on?" which is 
what I kept asking.  On the other hand, it works that you hide from us 
that the character's fever is laughter, because _we are embedded in his 
POV and because he himself doesn't know_.  And also, because you give us 
good clues.

***I know that he comes back from the Crusades hurt, but that he has 
"the fever" is enough.  We don't want him demented as well; it's too 
much.  So "What's the one I did last time, Michi?" should maybe be 
"Where is[.]?" instead.  The comment about the funny bone makes Neb 
sound dumb as well; perhaps he makes that joke knowing fully well that 
it isn't really a bone, so that we see that he has some mastery of 
humor.  The part about "Bob seems to think I'm going to be a great 
comedian [.] what he calls cartoons," isn't working for me.  Instead, I 
want to see him working on his cartoons, pleased that Bob and others 
appreciate them, to see him refining his talent. 

***You can (and I think, should) cut the science fiction ("he says a 
bunch of schooling [.] doesn't know where we're at") completely.  It is 
enough that we understand the rules of the universe; the exposition here 
feels out of place and wrong. 

STRUCTURAL WORK:

I have a lot of the same issues I had before, especially with passivity 
and plot shape.  A story is about a character pursuing a goal.  That is 
literally the definition of a story, and so if we don't see Neb 
struggling to achieve his goal, then it isn't a story.  Luckily, Neb has 
a strong goal-that of getting better.  But I want to see him strive for 
it, not once, but three times, before the resolution.  The three act 
structure is one of the principals of story writing.  It is a principal, 
not a rule, but I see no justification for this particular story to 
break that rule.   That being said: 

Inciting incident:   If your opening scene is Neb getting sick, then I 
still say:

1) H_e has to be the one to seek out his wife, who seeks out Ansa_.  
This is his "*first attempt*" to fix himself in a three act structure.   
Then I see two possibilities.  1)  Ansa refuses to help him anymore (as 
you had before) or 2) He notices for the first time that Ansa and his 
wife are a little too friendly (as you suggested before).  Both of these 
are reasons why he would never be able to "dip" again, which he used to 
do all the time.  Then we have justification for:

2)  Neb's trip to the Redemption house, which is *his second attempt*. 
Otherwise, there is no more reason for him to make the trip to 
Redemption House now than any other time.  You must have sufficient 
cause for him to go, a causal chain, in other words.  Otherwise we are 
left with the question, /why now?/  _He needs to seek out this specific 
guy who he knows will be near or perhaps even in the house_, the guy who 
he has perhaps heard laughing before.  If he doesn't, you've undermine 
the "active character" that you've set up.  He's become passive again 
(and Bob Hope is the active character), and the attempt 2 is 
meaningless.  I'm thinking that maybe this guy says to him that the 
laughter doesn't go away, that he should join them, that there's a place 
for people to be accepted who are just like him.etc., at which point Neb 
gets freaked out and leaves.  It makes no sense for the other guy to 
have gone looking after him.  It's an author manipulation. 

3)  Working hard is his* 3^rd attempt*.  I want to see him seriously 
considering going back to that guy for help.  _I want to see him burn 
some of those drawings himself_ instead of just talking about it.  Maybe 
he can't find them all. 

Resolution:  So he starts laughing in church.  To make this stronger, 
I'm going to suggest something radical.  We know that his wife is 
unhappy with him, crying, etc., and that she's involved in an affair.  
Perhaps she purposefully triggers the fever somehow, because she's ready 
to end her own guilt and give herself justification for remaining Ansa's 
lover.  Perhaps she's already turned in some of his drawings.  Maybe she 
betrays him. You've set us up for that, and it might make the most sense.

And we see the ending, when he ends up with the comedians.

Other comments: 

You have a lot of exposition in this story, and I think you would be 
better off with more vivid realized scenes, as I've seen you do and know 
you can do well. 

All the best,

Samantha

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