[Writingworkshop] Stories

[Adam Holland]

Here's a few ideas
*The  Dee School Of  Alchemy and Philosophy

Trismegistus University

Paracelsus University.
*
On Sat, Mar 1, 2008 at 12:22 PM, Antony Nigel Donovan <and at mit.edu> wrote:

>
>
> I'm really glad you're thinking of submitting this for publication.  I
> know you had some concerns about identities.  On that note, R___ is
> fine, but maybe Hogwart's should go (I can't think of a fictional
> graduate school of Alchemy, but that would be a better reference here).
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On Sat, 2008-03-01 at 02:00 -0500, Samantha Weiss wrote:
> > Chris,
> >
> > Pages 1 through 9 of your second story have me locked in.  It is
> > marvelous, professional level writing, and the voice make it a joy to
> > read.  The situation with the e-mail and the n=1 walks that line between
> > being believable and absolutely fucking hilarious over the top, and I'm
> > just loving it.  I love that your character has this clear goal, and
> > then he goes and spends $2000 (first attempt) on the most amazing attire
> > and an escort besides.  The dress and the geometry comments were
> > particularly wonderful.
> >
> > When I start to sense malevolence, the storytelling tone changes.  Then
> > all of this stuff happens in rapid succession for no reason that I can
> > tell.  It happens that he had called upon a werewolf to bring to the
> > ball... unforgivable author manipulation in a world where we assume that
> > most people are just people.  I wish there were some reason that he had
> > to have contacted a monster, though I can't think of one offhand.  It
> > happens that he sees McGrath at the same time as Erica starts to
> > change.  It happens that everyone knows who she is  (this I think, must
> > be cut from the story).  It happens that McGrath and Erica are not only
> > involved but that she hates him so much that she's willing to try to
> > kill him.  (This would only make sense if we see, in the phone
> > conversation, your narrator explicitly tell her that he is using her for
> > a tool of revenge against McGrath, and that that should be the focus of
> > her evening.  If you go that route, then McGrath and Erica can't know
> > each other before hand).  It happens that your narrrator is apparently
> > the ONLY non-monster in a school where even the graduate students are
> > monsters (if they aren't, then there is no way other faculty will turn
> > into mosnters around him), but there isn't anything aprticular special
> > about him to make that be the case.  You also slip into inappropriate
> > exposition (Even MIranda treated us with a coolness quite unlike her,
> > for example) instead of realized scenes (as when Erica and your narrator
> > interact)--which is fine for unimportant scenes only.  That that moment
> > that Miranda pushes him aside is a really important moment, though and
> > we should see it.  (And other important scenes).  I would like to see a
> > bit of the small talk between Erica and your narrator.
> >
> > So I have two thoughts.  1)  My issue with structure is that the
> > narrator has one attempt:  when he gets the prostitute and the nice
> > tux.  Then everything else plays out around him like a movie
> > sequence--he takes no part in it--and we see a resolution.  This is not
> > good.  We need three attempts.  So if this were a nongenre story, for
> > example,  (I am completely making this up, just trying to explain plot
> > structure--this isn't even a suggestion) Miranda and McGrath know each
> > other, clearly have had a thing for eachother, and your narrator is like
> > WHAT THE FUCK I paid 2000 for this to not work, and then he kisses her
> > or something (2nd attempt) to piss McGrath off...  See where I'm going
> > with that?  There's a second attempt, brought about by a strong causal
> > chain.
> >
> > 2)  I really think this is a non-genre story.  The genre element doesn't
> > come in until the last line of page 12, in a story that only has five
> > pages left.  That is way, way, way too late.  The genre elements either
> > need to be there from beginning to end, or be hinted at much, much, much
> > more strongly than just the comment about the period.  I also think you
> > have two different stories.  A story about a man who brings a prostitute
> > to a school ball, and a story about a monster ball.
> >
> > Okay.  Attaching the manuscript so you can see my thoughts throughout.
> >
> > -Samantha
> > _______________________________________________
> > Writingworkshop mailing list
> > Writingworkshop at nealemorison.org
> >
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Writingworkshop mailing list
> Writingworkshop at nealemorison.org
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org
>



-- 
When copies are free, you need to sell things which can not be copied.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://nealemorison.org/pipermail/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org/attachments/20080302/3781de3d/attachment-0002.html