[Writingworkshop] Dishwashers for Nerds

[Adam Holland]

Ha ha!


I have actually stripped down and cleaned our dishwasher's interior on many
occasions, when the screen surrounding the rotor becomes occluded.

AH


On Mon, May 19, 2008 at 8:52 PM, Neale Morison <neale at nealemorison.com>
wrote:

> Dishwashers for Nerds
>
> Congratulations on purchasing or otherwise acquiring your first
> dishwasher! A dishwasher is a life-changing appliance, but can only take
> full effect if you develop a full understanding  of its proclivities,
> its potential, and its purpose.
>
> First, be aware that just as an automatic car does not drive itself, and
> a computer seldom computes, a dishwasher does not actually wash dishes.
> Instead, a dishwasher facilitates a number of essential steps in the
> process of washing dishes. It is up to you to provide the intelligence,
> the passion, and the necessary menial labor to assist the dishwasher in
> guiding you to the completion of the dishwashing goal. A dishwasher
> combines a powerful dishwashing methodology, tidy storage, a noisy motor
> and flaky plumbing to create a focus for the dishwashing project.
>
> Your role is to provide both input and output to the dishwasher
> processing unit. Just as a computer requires you to meet it considerably
> more than half-way, modifying your mode of communication, your very
> language, and even your intentions, in order to somehow arrive at some
> task the computer can actually do, so a dishwasher demands a change in
> your life-style. Be warned! You may never be able to return to the
> haphazard manual process of washing dishes in a sink. Recent studes
> indicate fundamental differences in neurophoysiology between long-term
> dishwasher owners and a control group of YAMPs (Your Average Mug Punters).
>
> Input:
>
> Dishes, cutlery and pots must be sparkling clean before they are stacked
> in the dishwasher. Failure to provide perfectly clean input can result
> in the creation of a residue whose chemical composition is only dimly
> understood. Harder than diamond, more resilient than carbon fibre, the
> substance is being investigated in conditions of close military secrecy
> and may provide the basis of a complete defense system.
>
> Items must be stacked so as to allow the rotors to move freely. This
> sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers generate a zone of quantum uncertainty
> which on the macro level manifests as a suspension of the commonly
> received constraints of three dimensional space. While a trained
> dishwasher stacker can insert the entire contents of the kitchen and
> several other utility rooms into a dishwasher, the novice can fit in one
> fork, a cup, and a cereal bowl.
>
> Output:
>
> This involves removing items from the dishwasher and putting them away.
> This sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers modify neural circuitry to create
> a syndrome described as dishwasher denial. It is never anybody's job to
> remove items from the dishwasher and put them away. Furthermore, the
> logistics of opening the dishwasher door, and moving items from the
> drawers to the cupboards, is an unknown number of orders of magnitude
> more challenging than the travelling salesman problem. Apparently Alan
> Turing was working on a great unifying proof, which showed
> incontrovertibly why it was not possible to unload a dishwasher, when he
> was found poisoned in his apartment. Suicide? Perhaps.
>
> Maintenance:
>
> Dishwashers operate in conditions of extreme stress. The San Andreas
> Fault is relaxed in comparison. It is worth noting that we can land a
> man on the moon but we cannot construct a working dishwasher. Naturally
> under such punishment a dishwasher may suffer occasional dimunition in
> performance. Gaskets burst, bearings seize, electrical parts corrode,
> and the goddam little plastic thingy that holds the door shut will snap
> and fall down inside. This is to be expected.
>
> Do not attempt repairs yourself. Miracle substances such as duct tape
> and superglue are no match for a dishwasher. Always consult a trained
> dishwasher serviceperson when your dishwasher breaks down. Yes, they
> charge more than your neurosurgeon, but the benefits they provide are
> more tangible.
>
>
> Congratulations again! Please register your purchase. This will enable
> us to accumulate statistics which may result in future killer appliances.
>
>
> --
> Neale Morison
> neale at nealemorison.com
> http://www.nealemorison.com
> 31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
> +1 617 460 9969
> nmorison at mit.edu
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Writingworkshop mailing list
> Writingworkshop at nealemorison.org
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org
>



-- 
"If I advance, follow me! If I retreat, kill me! If I die, avenge me!"
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://nealemorison.org/pipermail/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org/attachments/20080519/3a861d43/attachment.html