[Writingworkshop] Dishwashers for Nerds

[Neale Morison]

What can I say. There is the faintest trace of nerd in your make-up.
Adam Holland wrote:
> Ha ha!
>
>
> I have actually stripped down and cleaned our dishwasher's interior on 
> many occasions, when the screen surrounding the rotor becomes occluded.
>
> AH
>
>
> On Mon, May 19, 2008 at 8:52 PM, Neale Morison <neale at nealemorison.com 
> <mailto:neale at nealemorison.com>> wrote:
>
>     Dishwashers for Nerds
>
>     Congratulations on purchasing or otherwise acquiring your first
>     dishwasher! A dishwasher is a life-changing appliance, but can
>     only take
>     full effect if you develop a full understanding  of its proclivities,
>     its potential, and its purpose.
>
>     First, be aware that just as an automatic car does not drive
>     itself, and
>     a computer seldom computes, a dishwasher does not actually wash
>     dishes.
>     Instead, a dishwasher facilitates a number of essential steps in the
>     process of washing dishes. It is up to you to provide the
>     intelligence,
>     the passion, and the necessary menial labor to assist the
>     dishwasher in
>     guiding you to the completion of the dishwashing goal. A dishwasher
>     combines a powerful dishwashing methodology, tidy storage, a noisy
>     motor
>     and flaky plumbing to create a focus for the dishwashing project.
>
>     Your role is to provide both input and output to the dishwasher
>     processing unit. Just as a computer requires you to meet it
>     considerably
>     more than half-way, modifying your mode of communication, your very
>     language, and even your intentions, in order to somehow arrive at some
>     task the computer can actually do, so a dishwasher demands a change in
>     your life-style. Be warned! You may never be able to return to the
>     haphazard manual process of washing dishes in a sink. Recent studes
>     indicate fundamental differences in neurophoysiology between long-term
>     dishwasher owners and a control group of YAMPs (Your Average Mug
>     Punters).
>
>     Input:
>
>     Dishes, cutlery and pots must be sparkling clean before they are
>     stacked
>     in the dishwasher. Failure to provide perfectly clean input can result
>     in the creation of a residue whose chemical composition is only dimly
>     understood. Harder than diamond, more resilient than carbon fibre, the
>     substance is being investigated in conditions of close military
>     secrecy
>     and may provide the basis of a complete defense system.
>
>     Items must be stacked so as to allow the rotors to move freely. This
>     sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers generate a zone of quantum
>     uncertainty
>     which on the macro level manifests as a suspension of the commonly
>     received constraints of three dimensional space. While a trained
>     dishwasher stacker can insert the entire contents of the kitchen and
>     several other utility rooms into a dishwasher, the novice can fit
>     in one
>     fork, a cup, and a cereal bowl.
>
>     Output:
>
>     This involves removing items from the dishwasher and putting them
>     away.
>     This sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers modify neural circuitry to
>     create
>     a syndrome described as dishwasher denial. It is never anybody's
>     job to
>     remove items from the dishwasher and put them away. Furthermore, the
>     logistics of opening the dishwasher door, and moving items from the
>     drawers to the cupboards, is an unknown number of orders of magnitude
>     more challenging than the travelling salesman problem. Apparently Alan
>     Turing was working on a great unifying proof, which showed
>     incontrovertibly why it was not possible to unload a dishwasher,
>     when he
>     was found poisoned in his apartment. Suicide? Perhaps.
>
>     Maintenance:
>
>     Dishwashers operate in conditions of extreme stress. The San Andreas
>     Fault is relaxed in comparison. It is worth noting that we can land a
>     man on the moon but we cannot construct a working dishwasher.
>     Naturally
>     under such punishment a dishwasher may suffer occasional dimunition in
>     performance. Gaskets burst, bearings seize, electrical parts corrode,
>     and the goddam little plastic thingy that holds the door shut will
>     snap
>     and fall down inside. This is to be expected.
>
>     Do not attempt repairs yourself. Miracle substances such as duct tape
>     and superglue are no match for a dishwasher. Always consult a trained
>     dishwasher serviceperson when your dishwasher breaks down. Yes, they
>     charge more than your neurosurgeon, but the benefits they provide are
>     more tangible.
>
>
>     Congratulations again! Please register your purchase. This will enable
>     us to accumulate statistics which may result in future killer
>     appliances.
>
>
>     --
>     Neale Morison
>     neale at nealemorison.com <mailto:neale at nealemorison.com>
>     http://www.nealemorison.com
>     31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
>     +1 617 460 9969
>     nmorison at mit.edu <mailto:nmorison at mit.edu>
>
>
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>
>
>
>
> -- 
> "If I advance, follow me! If I retreat, kill me! If I die, avenge me!"
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-- 
Neale Morison
neale at nealemorison.com
http://www.nealemorison.com
31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
+1 617 460 9969
nmorison at mit.edu