[Writingworkshop] Lift Filling Anomalies for Nerds

[Neale Morison]

Lift Filling for Nerds

 I love my job because the lifts work. The building dates from the 70s, 
a time when it was believed that the appearance of ferro-concrete could 
be improved by detailed attention to its texture, perhaps by embedding 
tiny pebbles in it. The other occupants are Energy Australia and the 
AEC, which at first I thought was the Atomic Energy Commission. On the 
first day I tried a pleasantry when manoeuvering my bike into the lift: 
"Make way for clean energy". Very blank looks. It turns out it's the 
Australian Electoral Commission.

There are 7 lifts in this building, which has only 20 floors, maybe less 
than 2000 people altogether. The lifts go fast and they work. They claim 
they can take 23 people each. You could empty the building in twenty 
minutes. The only obvious logical error is that when they respond to 
your call but have come from the other direction to the one you're 
going, they know they have responded so the call button goes off, but 
they don't know they're supposed to wait for you to get in and then go 
back the other way. The doors close. You press the button again. The 
doors open. It's an easy workaround. They built beautiful lift hardware 
in the 70s, but their software was primitive. Schindler. Was the movie 
Schindler's List a pun on Schindler Lifts? Best lift scene: Die Hard 3, 
in the Federal Reserve Bank. Best lift ride: The Ski Jump lift in 
Innsbruck, Australia. This is one of the things I consider as I ride up 
and down, but mostly I take the opportunity to observe lift-filling 
algorithms in practice and to test my theories regarding lift-filling 
anomalies.

 The basic principle, as we all know, is that personal space is at a 
premium in a lift ... is everybody with me? Obviously I mean elevators, 
not the things short people put in their shoes like Dustin Hoffman in  
Tootsie - "I can be shorter!" ... so people fill the lift progressively 
to  maximise personal space and minimise the appearance of threat to 
other primates. If there is one person, they typically go to the control 
panel.
 
 The next person to enter goes to the corner diagonally opposite. The 
next person goes to the other rear corner. The corner opposite the 
control panel, nearest the door, is filled last, because the door has a 
mild repulsion field, not as strong as the repulsion field of another 
person  but still significant.

 Try this. If you find yourself alone in a lift, stand in the corner 
opposite the control panel, at the front, facing the back. Not only does 
it feel very strange, but when people enter the lift, they are 
troubled.  They move diagonally opposite, but the distribution does not 
adjust in  your direction as the lift fills. By standing anomalously, 
you are strengthening your repulsion field.

 On a recent trip a man in a business suit stood for several floors, 
directly against the doors and facing them, with his fingers in the 
crack between the doors as if trying to prise them apart. At his floor 
he left in the normal way, and he gave no other evidence of abnormality, 
but the relief on his departure was palpable. I palped it myself, and I 
would have checked the other occupants but they had already had one 
weird lift experience that day. "Phew! Did you palp that?" 
Inappropriate. As is any general speech in a lift. Because there is no 
escape, etiquette demands that we do not take advantage of the situation.

 The lifts in this building are broader than they are deep, so when 
twelve people enter the lift, they form three rows of four. When two 
people leave the lift, there are only ten left, and the factors of ten 
do not match the ratio of the lift dimensions, so the occupants form two 
rows of three and one of four.

 The general principles of repulsion are disrupted by personal 
attraction of some kind, and this creates social tension, because 
although we never discuss it, we all know the lift-filling algorithm in 
our deep subconscious and it is effortful to recalculate. Similar 
difficulties occur with
 enhanced repulsion - a person who runs at lunchtime and has not taken 
their gear home to wash it for two months, for example. Or an anomalous 
person.

 A bicycle is particularly disruptive to our innate lift-filling 
algorithm. Bicycles are, in general, anomalous objects. They are 
impossible to pack, store, wrap, transport, conceal or disguise. A 
person entering a lift with a bicycle is perhaps one of the boldest 
possible threats to personal space
 and the established social order. The look of dismay on people's faces 
is immediate. They then shuffle aimlessly, unable to process the complex 
geometrical problem presented to them. Just as the cyclist must be 
assertive in traffic, the cyclist entering a lift must take charge. 
Point the bicycle firmly at the rear corner of choice, then move slowly 
but with determination toward it, gently demonstrating the flexibility 
afforded by the rotation of the front fork. The other lift occupants may 
not have realised the the bike can be inserted more or less in a corner.

 As the lift empties, demonstrate a restrained but lively willingness to 
reposition the bike in whatever configuration is convenient to permit 
people to depart. Watch them closely. When they fidget, it means their 
stop is near. Do not make eye contact! Look at their feet, their 
shoulder, the tails of their jacket. Do not apologise! You may thank 
them, but only if they have done something overtly intended to 
accommodate you. Otherwise they may fear that you are using the bike as 
an excuse to hit on them.

 A successful lift bike ride concludes with moving the bike smoothly out 
of the lift, without snagging any ankles or other extremities. Check 
your pulse and monitor your breathing during the journey. If the rate is 
rising perceptibly, chant the calming mantra of your choice. Under your 
breath.

-- 
Neale Morison <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com>

neale at nealemorison.com
http://www.nealemorison.com
0417 661 427