[Writingworkshop] Lift Filling Anomalies for Nerds

[Adam Holland]

nice
I had  a bike in the lift experience this week.  I should have been
assertive, as you suggest
People kept cutting in front of me to get on the next elevator.

"What makes us rich as a society is what we know and what we can do.
Anything that stands in the way of the dissemination of knowledge is a real
problem."



On Sun, Sep 7, 2008 at 9:40 PM, Neale Morison <
neale.morison at g2microsystems.com> wrote:

> Lift Filling for Nerds
>
>  I love my job because the lifts work. The building dates from the 70s,
> a time when it was believed that the appearance of ferro-concrete could
> be improved by detailed attention to its texture, perhaps by embedding
> tiny pebbles in it. The other occupants are Energy Australia and the
> AEC, which at first I thought was the Atomic Energy Commission. On the
> first day I tried a pleasantry when manoeuvering my bike into the lift:
> "Make way for clean energy". Very blank looks. It turns out it's the
> Australian Electoral Commission.
>
> There are 7 lifts in this building, which has only 20 floors, maybe less
> than 2000 people altogether. The lifts go fast and they work. They claim
> they can take 23 people each. You could empty the building in twenty
> minutes. The only obvious logical error is that when they respond to
> your call but have come from the other direction to the one you're
> going, they know they have responded so the call button goes off, but
> they don't know they're supposed to wait for you to get in and then go
> back the other way. The doors close. You press the button again. The
> doors open. It's an easy workaround. They built beautiful lift hardware
> in the 70s, but their software was primitive. Schindler. Was the movie
> Schindler's List a pun on Schindler Lifts? Best lift scene: Die Hard 3,
> in the Federal Reserve Bank. Best lift ride: The Ski Jump lift in
> Innsbruck, Australia. This is one of the things I consider as I ride up
> and down, but mostly I take the opportunity to observe lift-filling
> algorithms in practice and to test my theories regarding lift-filling
> anomalies.
>
>  The basic principle, as we all know, is that personal space is at a
> premium in a lift ... is everybody with me? Obviously I mean elevators,
> not the things short people put in their shoes like Dustin Hoffman in
> Tootsie - "I can be shorter!" ... so people fill the lift progressively
> to  maximise personal space and minimise the appearance of threat to
> other primates. If there is one person, they typically go to the control
> panel.
>
>  The next person to enter goes to the corner diagonally opposite. The
> next person goes to the other rear corner. The corner opposite the
> control panel, nearest the door, is filled last, because the door has a
> mild repulsion field, not as strong as the repulsion field of another
> person  but still significant.
>
>  Try this. If you find yourself alone in a lift, stand in the corner
> opposite the control panel, at the front, facing the back. Not only does
> it feel very strange, but when people enter the lift, they are
> troubled.  They move diagonally opposite, but the distribution does not
> adjust in  your direction as the lift fills. By standing anomalously,
> you are strengthening your repulsion field.
>
>  On a recent trip a man in a business suit stood for several floors,
> directly against the doors and facing them, with his fingers in the
> crack between the doors as if trying to prise them apart. At his floor
> he left in the normal way, and he gave no other evidence of abnormality,
> but the relief on his departure was palpable. I palped it myself, and I
> would have checked the other occupants but they had already had one
> weird lift experience that day. "Phew! Did you palp that?"
> Inappropriate. As is any general speech in a lift. Because there is no
> escape, etiquette demands that we do not take advantage of the situation.
>
>  The lifts in this building are broader than they are deep, so when
> twelve people enter the lift, they form three rows of four. When two
> people leave the lift, there are only ten left, and the factors of ten
> do not match the ratio of the lift dimensions, so the occupants form two
> rows of three and one of four.
>
>  The general principles of repulsion are disrupted by personal
> attraction of some kind, and this creates social tension, because
> although we never discuss it, we all know the lift-filling algorithm in
> our deep subconscious and it is effortful to recalculate. Similar
> difficulties occur with
>  enhanced repulsion - a person who runs at lunchtime and has not taken
> their gear home to wash it for two months, for example. Or an anomalous
> person.
>
>  A bicycle is particularly disruptive to our innate lift-filling
> algorithm. Bicycles are, in general, anomalous objects. They are
> impossible to pack, store, wrap, transport, conceal or disguise. A
> person entering a lift with a bicycle is perhaps one of the boldest
> possible threats to personal space
>  and the established social order. The look of dismay on people's faces
> is immediate. They then shuffle aimlessly, unable to process the complex
> geometrical problem presented to them. Just as the cyclist must be
> assertive in traffic, the cyclist entering a lift must take charge.
> Point the bicycle firmly at the rear corner of choice, then move slowly
> but with determination toward it, gently demonstrating the flexibility
> afforded by the rotation of the front fork. The other lift occupants may
> not have realised the the bike can be inserted more or less in a corner.
>
>  As the lift empties, demonstrate a restrained but lively willingness to
> reposition the bike in whatever configuration is convenient to permit
> people to depart. Watch them closely. When they fidget, it means their
> stop is near. Do not make eye contact! Look at their feet, their
> shoulder, the tails of their jacket. Do not apologise! You may thank
> them, but only if they have done something overtly intended to
> accommodate you. Otherwise they may fear that you are using the bike as
> an excuse to hit on them.
>
>  A successful lift bike ride concludes with moving the bike smoothly out
> of the lift, without snagging any ankles or other extremities. Check
> your pulse and monitor your breathing during the journey. If the rate is
> rising perceptibly, chant the calming mantra of your choice. Under your
> breath.
>
> --
> Neale Morison <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com>
>
> neale at nealemorison.com
> http://www.nealemorison.com
> 0417 661 427
>
>
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