[Writingworkshop] Lift Filling Anomalies for Nerds

Mon Sep 8 19:42:45 EDT 2008

this actually made my day.  I've been biking everywhere these days and
its been culture shock in the extreme.  It's like I joined the
revolution just by shedding two tires and a combustion engine....."
Look, look at him over there....he's one of THOSE" (obligatory finger
wagging).  That article on Rob Anderson made me my blood boil Adam.  I
never asked, you said you "ran into him" on the
internet......please.....continue good sir, the story needs
telling.......

On 9/7/08, Adam Holland <adam.holland at gmail.com> wrote:
> nice
> I had  a bike in the lift experience this week.  I should have been
> assertive, as you suggest
> People kept cutting in front of me to get on the next elevator.
>  "What makes us rich as a society is what we know and what we can do.
> Anything that stands in the way of the dissemination of knowledge is a real
> problem."
>
>
> On Sun, Sep 7, 2008 at 9:40 PM, Neale Morison
> <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com> wrote:
>
> > Lift Filling for Nerds
> >
> >  I love my job because the lifts work. The building dates from the 70s,
> > a time when it was believed that the appearance of ferro-concrete could
> > be improved by detailed attention to its texture, perhaps by embedding
> > tiny pebbles in it. The other occupants are Energy Australia and the
> > AEC, which at first I thought was the Atomic Energy Commission. On the
> > first day I tried a pleasantry when manoeuvering my bike into the lift:
> > "Make way for clean energy". Very blank looks. It turns out it's the
> > Australian Electoral Commission.
> >
> > There are 7 lifts in this building, which has only 20 floors, maybe less
> > than 2000 people altogether. The lifts go fast and they work. They claim
> > they can take 23 people each. You could empty the building in twenty
> > minutes. The only obvious logical error is that when they respond to
> > your call but have come from the other direction to the one you're
> > going, they know they have responded so the call button goes off, but
> > they don't know they're supposed to wait for you to get in and then go
> > back the other way. The doors close. You press the button again. The
> > doors open. It's an easy workaround. They built beautiful lift hardware
> > in the 70s, but their software was primitive. Schindler. Was the movie
> > Schindler's List a pun on Schindler Lifts? Best lift scene: Die Hard 3,
> > in the Federal Reserve Bank. Best lift ride: The Ski Jump lift in
> > Innsbruck, Australia. This is one of the things I consider as I ride up
> > and down, but mostly I take the opportunity to observe lift-filling
> > algorithms in practice and to test my theories regarding lift-filling
> > anomalies.
> >
> >  The basic principle, as we all know, is that personal space is at a
> > premium in a lift ... is everybody with me? Obviously I mean elevators,
> > not the things short people put in their shoes like Dustin Hoffman in
> > Tootsie - "I can be shorter!" ... so people fill the lift progressively
> > to  maximise personal space and minimise the appearance of threat to
> > other primates. If there is one person, they typically go to the control
> > panel.
> >
> >  The next person to enter goes to the corner diagonally opposite. The
> > next person goes to the other rear corner. The corner opposite the
> > control panel, nearest the door, is filled last, because the door has a
> > mild repulsion field, not as strong as the repulsion field of another
> > person  but still significant.
> >
> >  Try this. If you find yourself alone in a lift, stand in the corner
> > opposite the control panel, at the front, facing the back. Not only does
> > it feel very strange, but when people enter the lift, they are
> > troubled.  They move diagonally opposite, but the distribution does not
> > adjust in  your direction as the lift fills. By standing anomalously,
> > you are strengthening your repulsion field.
> >
> >  On a recent trip a man in a business suit stood for several floors,
> > directly against the doors and facing them, with his fingers in the
> > crack between the doors as if trying to prise them apart. At his floor
> > he left in the normal way, and he gave no other evidence of abnormality,
> > but the relief on his departure was palpable. I palped it myself, and I
> > would have checked the other occupants but they had already had one
> > weird lift experience that day. "Phew! Did you palp that?"
> > Inappropriate. As is any general speech in a lift. Because there is no
> > escape, etiquette demands that we do not take advantage of the situation.
> >
> >  The lifts in this building are broader than they are deep, so when
> > twelve people enter the lift, they form three rows of four. When two
> > people leave the lift, there are only ten left, and the factors of ten
> > do not match the ratio of the lift dimensions, so the occupants form two
> > rows of three and one of four.
> >
> >  The general principles of repulsion are disrupted by personal
> > attraction of some kind, and this creates social tension, because
> > although we never discuss it, we all know the lift-filling algorithm in
> > our deep subconscious and it is effortful to recalculate. Similar
> > difficulties occur with
> >  enhanced repulsion - a person who runs at lunchtime and has not taken
> > their gear home to wash it for two months, for example. Or an anomalous
> > person.
> >
> >  A bicycle is particularly disruptive to our innate lift-filling
> > algorithm. Bicycles are, in general, anomalous objects. They are
> > impossible to pack, store, wrap, transport, conceal or disguise. A
> > person entering a lift with a bicycle is perhaps one of the boldest
> > possible threats to personal space
> >  and the established social order. The look of dismay on people's faces
> > is immediate. They then shuffle aimlessly, unable to process the complex
> > geometrical problem presented to them. Just as the cyclist must be
> > assertive in traffic, the cyclist entering a lift must take charge.
> > Point the bicycle firmly at the rear corner of choice, then move slowly
> > but with determination toward it, gently demonstrating the flexibility
> > afforded by the rotation of the front fork. The other lift occupants may
> > not have realised the the bike can be inserted more or less in a corner.
> >
> >  As the lift empties, demonstrate a restrained but lively willingness to
> > reposition the bike in whatever configuration is convenient to permit
> > people to depart. Watch them closely. When they fidget, it means their
> > stop is near. Do not make eye contact! Look at their feet, their
> > shoulder, the tails of their jacket. Do not apologise! You may thank
> > them, but only if they have done something overtly intended to
> > accommodate you. Otherwise they may fear that you are using the bike as
> > an excuse to hit on them.
> >
> >  A successful lift bike ride concludes with moving the bike smoothly out
> > of the lift, without snagging any ankles or other extremities. Check
> > your pulse and monitor your breathing during the journey. If the rate is
> > rising perceptibly, chant the calming mantra of your choice. Under your
> > breath.
> >
> > --
> > Neale Morison <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com>
> >
> > neale at nealemorison.com
> > http://www.nealemorison.com
> > 0417 661 427
> >
> >
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